Christmas in Germany is Terrifying

Dearest Followers,

Christmas in Germany isn't just all adorable Christmas markets, chocolate-filled Advent calendars, and O Tannenbaum.

Sometimes, Christmas in Germany can be a bit terrifying.

1. Feiertage = No Food

As I have previously alluded to, holidays and Sundays in Germany spell death starvation for unwitting foreigners.  This is especially bad during Christmas, when most of the stores go dark for several days. Most Germans head home to their families (or to warmer places where food is readily available at all hours) and going shopping is basically unnecessary, because they're German and they've prepped for the Long Winter of No Food.

Last time I was in Germany, in between Christmas and New Year's fell a weekend, meaning I could really only get food on the 27th and the 28th.

So unless you have a nice German family who will take you in, you better store up on food and drinks like its the apocalypse.

2. Unwrapping Presents

One of my favorite scenes from A Christmas Story is the scene where Ralphie's family is unwrapping presents under the tree and the narrator drolly remarks: "We plunged into the cornucopia - quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice."

Mostly because it's a great line, but also because it's totally true.

Okay, I don't want to make blanketed generalizations, but I'm going to make one anyway.  I would venture to say that most Americans upon receiving gifts rip open their gifts "with the ecstasy of unbridled avarice".

We like getting to the gift.  The wrapping, the tissue paper, and the ribbons are just a beautiful, superfluous barrier to the real stuff - the gift.

Germans, on the other hand, turn the unwrapping of gifts into an ode to patience.  Upon receiving a gift, a German will first inspect it, probing the wrapping for weakness.  Then they'll proceed to carefully and meticulously open the gift, trying to remove the wrapping with the least damage to the wrapping paper and the tape.  Once they get the gift wrap off the gift, they'll inspect the gift, say thank you, and proceed to careful fold up the wrapping paper with the intent of keeping the wrapping forever.

This whole process can take up two minutes or longer.

JUST UNWRAP IT ALREADY!!!

As an American watching a German unwrap presents is like torture and then you feel like an idiot for happily and greedily tearing yours open.

3. Wooden Kneelers. Very, very hard wooden kneelers.

I know a lot about physical suffering, psychological warfare, and guilt.

This is because I went to Catholic school.

Catholic jokes aside, my non-Catholic friends always freak out whenever they go to Mass with me generally because they aren't used to it.  The main complaint is that it's hour long, but most of them whine about the whole kneeling thing too.

Clearly, they've never endured Mass at a German Catholic church.  They don't mess around here in Europe - none of those softly padded kneelers or reduced kneeling times for you.

Only suffering.

And very, very hard wooden planks.

At first, it's fine.  You trick yourself into believing that you can handle the dull pain in your knees, you think to yourself as you look at the elderly woman several pews ahead of you. If she can do it, so can you.

Then, as the priest is seemingly calling on every one of the nearly 10,000 saints by name (or at least you feel like he is), you start you get a bit worried.  The dull pain turns into sharp pain and you can only imagine your kneecap shattering, the shards of it driving into your soft, fleshy knee.  Then you lose feeling in your knees altogether - just in time for you stand up to get in line for communion.  Then of course, you manage to stand up just in time to hobble into line hopefully without knocking over your Catholic brethren in front of you.

Fun for everyone!

4. Knecht Ruprecht

Now, every American boy and girl knows what happens when you've been naughty.

You get coal in your stocking.

Not again!

In my family, we're told the cautionary (and true) tale of how my Great-Uncle Bob actually received only coal as a Christmas gift.  (Moral of the story: Don't mess with Big Gram.)

For most American children, the fear of not getting presents is enough to keep kidlets in line.

Germany takes another route to keep bad kids in line throughout the year.

See that adorable guy next to St. Nikolaus (aka Santa)?  

That's Knecht Ruprecht, Santa's sidekick in this part of the world.  St. Nikolaus wears the garb of a bishop and has his presents in a sack.  Knecht Ruprecht follows him wearing brown, the clothing of a farmer, and carrying some pieces of wood on his back.

If you haven't guessed why yet, you clearly are not a sadist.

Note how the kids are terrified and the Mom is quite
placid about it all: "Yeah, they had it coming."

Yep.  Knecht Ruprecht follows St. Nikolaus around with a bundle of switches.  Good kids get presents; bad kids get beaten.

Although to be fair, I'm not sure which is worse: encouraging good behavior through manipulation of children's greed or the fear of abuse.  I mean, I thought moral reasoning was about making good choices for goodness' sake in itself, but what would I know - I never wanted to get coal either.

5. Krampus

So maybe at this point you're scoffing at the title of this article.  What's so terrifying about wooden kneelers and slow present openers?

Yes, dear readers, it's true, I'm a young woman with a lot of fears.

These fears include: heights, the dark, spiders, snakes, wasps, not being able to see, serial killers, creepy ghost children, dark-haired dead girls crawling out of wells, and my irrational fear of being struck dead while returning shopping carts to the cart return in a parking lot.

(NO SERIOUSLY GUYS.)

Anyway, in Southern Germany (mostly Bavaria) and Austria, they believe another terrifying force sent to punish children: Krampus.

Krampus is a more terrifying version of Knecht Ruprecht - he looks like the devil, complete with horns and cloven hooves.  Like Knecht Ruprecht, he carries wooden switches for beating children, but also ups the ante by carrying rusty chains too.  Because kids are so jaded these days...

Oh! And, according to legend, very evil kids get kidnapped by Krampus and transported to his lair. 

After which, no one knows what happens, but, Karma, ya know?

And if that wasn't bad enough, on St. Nikolaus Day (December 6th), people dress up like Krampus and celebrate Krampusnacht or Krampuslaufen in parades.  Sometimes, cities organize their own Krampuslaufen where guilds and organizations can march.

           

Yeah, because I want to see a parade of these in the evening.

NO THANK YOU.

They feast on the tears and screams of children.

But, if a Krampus is harassing you, apparently they (he?) will stop bothering you if you offer him schnapps.

So there's that.

Sweet dreams!

Lots of Love,

Your Humble Blogger

(Who just added another fear to the above list)

5 Things (I'm Looking Forward To About Being Home)

Dear Followers,

Only 5 more days until I land state-side, so here are 5 things that I'm really looking forward to while I'm back home!

1.  Being with family and friends. 

Duh. This is self explanatory.

But I admit, I have been starved for physical affection/acknowledgment here in Germany, because they don't do hugs (which is just sad).  So I apologize, if I pounce on you, random acquaintance, because I really love hugs and I definitely missed you.

Just take the compliment and try to carefully
extricate yourself from my vise-like grip.

2.  "Making" Christmas cookies with my Mom.

Not to brag, but my Mom makes really good cookies.

I, of course, will provide generous help with taste-testing batching of dough and cooked cookies, because somebody has to do that job.

Also, I enjoy tempting fate into giving me salmonella poisoning.

Here I am helping make blueberry jam, back in
the day.

3.  Watching a Bears game with my Vati.

Invariably, we will blow a 1st  (or good God, a 3rd) quarter lead, Cutler will throw a least one interception that will be turned into a touchdown for the other team, and Robbie Gould (I love you, you're the best) will attempt to salvage what's left of Chicago pride.

All the while, my Dad and I will yell and/or shriek (respectively) at the TV while also experiencing all the stages of grief.  Mostly anger.  And begrudging acceptance.

Meanwhile, my Mom will go back to quilting while shaking her head and Will might wake up from his nap on the couch long enough to tell us to be quiet.

4.  All the American things that do not exist in Germany.

First of all...

Mac n'cheese, ranch, Buffalo wings, perfectly made hamburgers, juicy steaks, Thanksgiving dinners, and peanut butter.

Yes, I realize none of those are really healthy foods, but vegetables exist in Germany too.

(On the other hand, I can make good Schnitzel and Glühwein, so I guess it's an okay trade?)

Secondly: clothes dryers!

I want to wash all my clothes and then stick them into the dryer.  Then once the drying cycle is done, I want to stick my face into the freshly warmed clothes and pull on a pair of properly refitted/shrunk/dried jeans.

 Blissful sigh.


5.  Getting to walk our new dog!!!!

So my parents, undoubtedly shocked by having both their children gone for a semester, caved and finally got a dog.

Which is a little unfair, considering I've wanted a new dog since senior year of high school.

But still, I'm ridiculously excited.

Anyway, my parents adopted a little rescue Boxer who was found abandoned on the Dunes, and in all seriousness, named her Hildegard von Bingen.  Like the German saint.   She goes by Hildy, of course.

But this makes me more grateful I escaped the other names on my baby name list, like Elsbeth, Clio, and Bronwyn.  (Yes, seriously Bronwyn. I couldn't be more Scotch-Welsh if I tried.)

I'm excited to buy our new pup "little" winter booties and take her for a walk in the snowdrifts of my hometown.

Also, fair warning for those of you friends with me on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat. You will get pictures of my dog.  Sorry I'm not sorry.

Hope to see you soon my dearest followers!

And in the immortal words of Kim Possible: "Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me".
Once I have cell phone service in America, that is.

Lots of Love,
Your Humble Blogger

PS. Probably should start packing. Maybe.

Marzipan and Castles: Lübeck and Schwerin (Tour of the North, Part II)

Dearest followers,

Yes, I realize that it's December. 

And I'm still doing Fall Break blog entries.  

But this is the last one, I swear.  

And best, of all, it has pretty pictures! (Well, as pretty as I can manage.)

After Melody, Sophia, and I fled the harsh storms of Hamburg, we arrived in Lübeck, which is as adorable and picturesque as everyone has said. 

Like a lot of cities in the north of Germany, this city, which still has its impressive city wall, used to be a vital harbor back in the day.  And by that, I mean, in the 1500s, when it was home to the Hanseatic League, which, as I've discussed before, sounds way more sinister than it actually was.

Now Lübeck is known for its cute city (so cute that UNESCO said the world had to take care of it) and its delicious marzipan!

Okay, it's also the birthplace of Willy Brandt, both Heinrich and Thomas Mann, and the hangout spot for Günter Grass.  

Who knew such a cute city could inspire such weird, depressing German literature? 

(Public Service Announcement for any of you interested in German lit: if the main character doesn't commit suicide, there will at least one awkward sex scene.)

Although Lübeck is the second-largest city in Schleswig-Holstein, it feels small.  When we went, there hardly any tourists, which made the city feel even smaller!

It was a cold and chilly day, but I had also neglected to properly charge my camera battery, so I only have a few photos to offer of the city!

Entrance to the city through the old city gate

A little side street devoid of tourists...
and people in general.

Outside St. Mary's Church, there is the cutest little devil you'll ever see.

But really, guys, he's actually the Devil.

According to legend, the Devil helped builders build what he believed was a new brewery and drinking hall.  To his surprise and dismay, he realized too late that he was helping the residents of Lübeck build a church.  In his rage, he began to scratch the stones of church (apparently, his claw marks can still be seen on the stones).  To keep him from destroying the church, the residents of Lübeck made a deal with the devil (this sort of thing happens a lot in Germany, apparently) and built a brewery across from the church on the condition that the Devil would leave the church unharmed.

Although the historical and literary buildings are pretty cool, Melody and I were way more interested in Lübeck's other attraction: almond paste!  Marzipan!

Now, I've always had this thing against marzipan, because I remember not liking it as a kid.  Which just proves that I was stupid when I was little.  I mean, it's pure sugar and almonds.

Anyway, Melody and I headed to Niederegger, the most famous marzipan producer in Germany, where everyday, they stage a marzipan show.

One of the master marzipan makers teaches the audience a little bit about marzipan and the history of the company, which has been around for over 200 years.  Their current head marzipan maker has been in the Guinness Book of World Records for making the world's largest marzipan dress and marzipan pig.  That's dedication.

And then the fun starts!

Everyone is given a small chunk of marzipan and then we are taught how to mold and shape our marzipan sticks!  We first learn how to make shapes like circles, teardrops, and cubes.  (Or you could be the guy across from us, who just ate his!)

Then the hard part starts.

Once your hands are pretty much coated in marzipan, you get to choose whether you want to make a rose or an animal.  Melody and I tried our hands at making some animals!  

At first, I made a dog, but he was little tiny (despite his very cute little pug tail!) so I broke him apart and began to make a teddy bear. But then I shaped his ears too small, so I ripped the bear apart, settling on a penguin.

Hey there, little buddy.

Melody was a bit choosier - going for a bear and then a kitty.

Marzipan friends!

Both marzipan friends were harmed after the taking of this picture.

After we both went a little crazy in the store (MARZIPAN FOR EVERYONE!) we headed up to the famous Marzipan Cafe for...what else?

Kaffee und Kuchen.

A marzipan hot chocolate and a black cherry chocolate
cream cake.
Decadent, indeed.

The warm drinks and the tasty cake made for a perfect afternoon snack away from the cold weather.

We spent the rest of the day just strolling through the city, relaxing and enjoying the sights.

In the evening, we set out for Schwerin, our last stop!

Now, I've stayed in some weird hostels during my time abroad (although I try to avoid the really weird ones - thanks HostelWorld!), but my experience at Schwerin was truly weird.

We arrived late in Schwerin and walked to our hostel through little cobblestoned streets past lakes and ponds that are scattered through the town.  When we got to our hostel, Melody and I were surprised to discover that no one was there.  After knocking several times, still no one appeared, so I called the number on the contact page.

A friendly woman picked up and told us the numerical code to a small black box on the side of the house, which held our house and room keys.  Once we unlocked the front door, she directed us to pick up our bedding, reminded us that the kitchen was free for us to use, and then she hung up.

Confused, Melody and I climbed the four flights of winding stairs up to our room, which was a 8 person bedroom.  Except we were only people there.

As we walked downstairs to eat dinner in the kitchen, we kept looking around for other people.  The kitchen lights and radio were both on, travel books and some personal items were on the table, and there were dishes drying by the sink.

And yet, there was no one.

We ate dinner and planned our day for the morning.  Still no one.  Then we went up to bed.  Still no one.

And when we set out early in the morning for Schwerin's biggest attraction, Schwerin Castle ("The Neuschwanstein of the North"), there was no other life in the house, except for us.  I tried to call the number again to say we were leaving our luggage until the afternoon when we would catch our train, but no one picked up.

At this time, we were both confused, but we set out for the castle, which was pretty easy to find.

Literally: "Castle Street"

Oh, there it is!

We struggled to find food in morning, because we both totally forgot that it was Reformation Day, which is conveniently only celebrated as a holiday in five German states.

Specifically, the one we were visiting and Sachsen, where we live.

Which means, that everything food related was closed.

Damn you, Germany and your Feiertage!

The first cause of American deaths in Germany -
starvation on Feiertage and Sundays.

Melody and I get along because we both belong to the personality type of No food means no happiness until food is acquired. 

Luckily, we didn't have to starve for long.  

We found one bakery that was open and we happily stocked up on food for the rest of the day.

Food and happiness restored, we strolled to the castle and munched on breakfast while we wandered through the gardens, waiting for the castle to open.

Schwerin Castle and its exquisite gardens are located on an island.  It used to be the home of the grand dukes of Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, but now it houses their parliament.

Not my photo.
I wish it was, but I had to give up my
helicopter to come to Germany.

Oh, and it's totally gorgeous.

Part of the castle is being refinished this year.

A look out onto the Schwerin Lake.

We strolled through the gardens and took in the last leaves of the season.

The castle doesn't need guards - it has a huge flock of
aggressive and scary seagulls!

Oh yeah, I could live here.

In other news, I love the super vivid setting
on my camera.

Since the castle was so lovely, I decide to make it lovelier by sticking my face into some pictures...

Alas, the pictures really serve only to remind everyone that I shouldn't be let out in public.

No seriously...

Why did you let me leave the country,
let alone the house, parents?!

We toured the back of the castle and explored the lakeside...

This art installation allows visitors to create their own works
of art against the backdrop of the lake.

Too cool!

We then visited the inside of the castle, which (shocker!) is just as gorgeous inside.  But you weren't allowed to take pictures inside (boo hiss).

But I can't be deterred in my blogalistic duties, so....

The photos below are: a) not mine, and b) probably not legally taken to begin with, so enjoy the interior of Schwerin castle while you can.

This is the famous Blumenzimmer, favored by the Duchesses.

The amazingly detailed throne room ceiling

And the throne itself.

The castle is also supposedly haunted by a little poltergeist named Petermännchen, who takes the appearance of a little cavalier who is generally reported to be good natured.

After touring the castle, we strolled the city of Schwerin, which is cute as a button.

Hi.

I would like to live here.

One of the old buildings in Schwerin.

The old power plant now serves as a theater

As we returned to the hostel, we were pleasantly surprised to find someone there!  We paid for our night's stay and went to get our luggage.

But when we came back downstairs, everyone was gone again.

Did Melody and I pay a ghost?  Perhaps a relative of Petermännchen?

Who knows.

What I do know is that both Lübeck and Schwerin are adorable harbor cities and made a great finish to our Tour of North!  Hopefully, we can visit again - especially when the gardens of Schwerin are in full bloom!

Lots of Love,

Your Humble Blogger

PS.  One week until I'm back in America!