Christmas in Germany is Terrifying

Dearest Followers,

Christmas in Germany isn't just all adorable Christmas markets, chocolate-filled Advent calendars, and O Tannenbaum.

Sometimes, Christmas in Germany can be a bit terrifying.

1. Feiertage = No Food

As I have previously alluded to, holidays and Sundays in Germany spell death starvation for unwitting foreigners.  This is especially bad during Christmas, when most of the stores go dark for several days. Most Germans head home to their families (or to warmer places where food is readily available at all hours) and going shopping is basically unnecessary, because they're German and they've prepped for the Long Winter of No Food.

Last time I was in Germany, in between Christmas and New Year's fell a weekend, meaning I could really only get food on the 27th and the 28th.

So unless you have a nice German family who will take you in, you better store up on food and drinks like its the apocalypse.

2. Unwrapping Presents

One of my favorite scenes from A Christmas Story is the scene where Ralphie's family is unwrapping presents under the tree and the narrator drolly remarks: "We plunged into the cornucopia - quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice."

Mostly because it's a great line, but also because it's totally true.

Okay, I don't want to make blanketed generalizations, but I'm going to make one anyway.  I would venture to say that most Americans upon receiving gifts rip open their gifts "with the ecstasy of unbridled avarice".

We like getting to the gift.  The wrapping, the tissue paper, and the ribbons are just a beautiful, superfluous barrier to the real stuff - the gift.

Germans, on the other hand, turn the unwrapping of gifts into an ode to patience.  Upon receiving a gift, a German will first inspect it, probing the wrapping for weakness.  Then they'll proceed to carefully and meticulously open the gift, trying to remove the wrapping with the least damage to the wrapping paper and the tape.  Once they get the gift wrap off the gift, they'll inspect the gift, say thank you, and proceed to careful fold up the wrapping paper with the intent of keeping the wrapping forever.

This whole process can take up two minutes or longer.

JUST UNWRAP IT ALREADY!!!

As an American watching a German unwrap presents is like torture and then you feel like an idiot for happily and greedily tearing yours open.

3. Wooden Kneelers. Very, very hard wooden kneelers.

I know a lot about physical suffering, psychological warfare, and guilt.

This is because I went to Catholic school.

Catholic jokes aside, my non-Catholic friends always freak out whenever they go to Mass with me generally because they aren't used to it.  The main complaint is that it's hour long, but most of them whine about the whole kneeling thing too.

Clearly, they've never endured Mass at a German Catholic church.  They don't mess around here in Europe - none of those softly padded kneelers or reduced kneeling times for you.

Only suffering.

And very, very hard wooden planks.

At first, it's fine.  You trick yourself into believing that you can handle the dull pain in your knees, you think to yourself as you look at the elderly woman several pews ahead of you. If she can do it, so can you.

Then, as the priest is seemingly calling on every one of the nearly 10,000 saints by name (or at least you feel like he is), you start you get a bit worried.  The dull pain turns into sharp pain and you can only imagine your kneecap shattering, the shards of it driving into your soft, fleshy knee.  Then you lose feeling in your knees altogether - just in time for you stand up to get in line for communion.  Then of course, you manage to stand up just in time to hobble into line hopefully without knocking over your Catholic brethren in front of you.

Fun for everyone!

4. Knecht Ruprecht

Now, every American boy and girl knows what happens when you've been naughty.

You get coal in your stocking.

Not again!

In my family, we're told the cautionary (and true) tale of how my Great-Uncle Bob actually received only coal as a Christmas gift.  (Moral of the story: Don't mess with Big Gram.)

For most American children, the fear of not getting presents is enough to keep kidlets in line.

Germany takes another route to keep bad kids in line throughout the year.

See that adorable guy next to St. Nikolaus (aka Santa)?  

That's Knecht Ruprecht, Santa's sidekick in this part of the world.  St. Nikolaus wears the garb of a bishop and has his presents in a sack.  Knecht Ruprecht follows him wearing brown, the clothing of a farmer, and carrying some pieces of wood on his back.

If you haven't guessed why yet, you clearly are not a sadist.

Note how the kids are terrified and the Mom is quite
placid about it all: "Yeah, they had it coming."

Yep.  Knecht Ruprecht follows St. Nikolaus around with a bundle of switches.  Good kids get presents; bad kids get beaten.

Although to be fair, I'm not sure which is worse: encouraging good behavior through manipulation of children's greed or the fear of abuse.  I mean, I thought moral reasoning was about making good choices for goodness' sake in itself, but what would I know - I never wanted to get coal either.

5. Krampus

So maybe at this point you're scoffing at the title of this article.  What's so terrifying about wooden kneelers and slow present openers?

Yes, dear readers, it's true, I'm a young woman with a lot of fears.

These fears include: heights, the dark, spiders, snakes, wasps, not being able to see, serial killers, creepy ghost children, dark-haired dead girls crawling out of wells, and my irrational fear of being struck dead while returning shopping carts to the cart return in a parking lot.

(NO SERIOUSLY GUYS.)

Anyway, in Southern Germany (mostly Bavaria) and Austria, they believe another terrifying force sent to punish children: Krampus.

Krampus is a more terrifying version of Knecht Ruprecht - he looks like the devil, complete with horns and cloven hooves.  Like Knecht Ruprecht, he carries wooden switches for beating children, but also ups the ante by carrying rusty chains too.  Because kids are so jaded these days...

Oh! And, according to legend, very evil kids get kidnapped by Krampus and transported to his lair. 

After which, no one knows what happens, but, Karma, ya know?

And if that wasn't bad enough, on St. Nikolaus Day (December 6th), people dress up like Krampus and celebrate Krampusnacht or Krampuslaufen in parades.  Sometimes, cities organize their own Krampuslaufen where guilds and organizations can march.

           

Yeah, because I want to see a parade of these in the evening.

NO THANK YOU.

They feast on the tears and screams of children.

But, if a Krampus is harassing you, apparently they (he?) will stop bothering you if you offer him schnapps.

So there's that.

Sweet dreams!

Lots of Love,

Your Humble Blogger

(Who just added another fear to the above list)